Mornings

 Recently our mornings have been going rather well.  I've got up around 6.15am in order to get time to myself in a silent house and then Ash has come downstairs to tell me he's awake before going back to bed to wait for the expected delivery of tea and tablets to his bedside.  I've switched on the radio and left him to it until his head has cleared and it's all worked perfectly.  When he's finally got up and dressed he's been full of the joys of spring and, because of that, my soul has felt lighter and all has been well in our little world.  I knew it couldn't last of course but the thing with dementia is that you have no idea when the change will come or what form it will take.  You can't prepare for what's about to happen so this morning when I was met with a troubled face and an angry Ash my heart sank.  He told me he'd been laid awake for ages because he didn't know what to do and it was all my fault because I hadn't given him any instructions.   I calmed him down and persuaded him back to bed to wait for the usual cup of tea but the damage was done.  I know that he can't help it, and I know that it's only because he's frightened and confused, but sometimes so am I and when he snaps, however hard I try, I can't help but get upset.  We rarely used to argue you see.  Before dementia there was no bickering, snapping or sniping and arguments were saved for the big things not the minutiae of life.  Now, when he snaps at me, I'm whisked back to the dark days before the diagnosis.  Those were the times when it seemed as though we couldn't agree on anything and the rows went round and round in endless circles until my head started to spin and time and again I found myself trying so hard to get us back on track but without success.  This morning we got over it of course but it shook me.  I feel that nowadays I deal quite well with most things that life throws at me but it seems that all it takes is one black look or caustic comment thrown in my direction and I'm back into freefall once again as I realise how much things have changed between us.  So that was this morning but have no fear that my whole day went on in that vein because later on the sun came out so I managed coffee with friends this morning and some time in the garden this afternoon.  I may have been down for a while but things are going to have to be much, much worse before I'm down AND out.

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