The oddest of things
Do you know what I find the oddest thing about this new life of ours? It's not the hours Ash spends in front of the television when once he would have been busy from morning until night; it's not the times when he leaves the house without a word where once he would have come to give me a kiss or left me a note with a lovely message in it; it's not the irritability or the silences or the childlike inability to grasp instructions. It's none of the things that are so far from our old life that they feel as though they belong to a different couple and nothing to do with us. It's the times when we do something together and I'm fooled, however briefly, into thinking we're back to where we were. This afternoon I went through to tell Ash I was going for a walk and asked him if he wanted to come too. I really didn't expect him to say yes but, after discovering I wasn't going far or anywhere unfamiliar, he said he'd join me and off we went out into the sunshine and this was where my foolishness kicked in. It was so long since we'd been for a walk together I completely forgot that things were different and for some reason thought he might like to know my views on all sorts of things out on our travels. Of course he didn't and I was first met with silence and then a physical distance between us as he dropped behind just so he didn't have to listen to me. I admit I struggled a little with it but then I remembered that he wasn't my Ash anymore and decided that I could feel sorry for myself and spoil the walk for both of us or I could shut up, enjoy the sunshine and make the most of the exercise. It was a lovely walk but, for all that, it was just a little odd.
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