Becoming more capable
Still on the subject of memes I no longer need, I've just seen one that says 'If it was up to me it would not be up to me' and once again I remember the post. Ash and I used to make all our decisions together although I have a feeling it didn't look like that to those looking in. This was because, mostly, he didn't mind what we did and just went along with my suggestions, occasionally however I'd come up with some random idea and he'd look at me and say 'I don't think so' and that would be it. When that happened there was never any point in arguing and anyway why would I want him to do something he didn't like? So we moved through life mostly in agreement and, occasionally, agreeing to differ but the most important thing was the discussion of those ideas and the joint decisions.
Then dementia came creeping into our lives and suddenly not only was Ash incapable of making a decision but he really, really didn't want to even be asked for his opinion. After thirty plus years of deciding together, and me not having to take full responsibility for anything, this came as a huge shock and I dreaded anything going wrong because I would have to make that decision all by myself. I was thinking all of that on the day I used that phrase 'If it was up to me it would not be up to me' but when I saw it today I realised how redundant it now is. At this point I'm used to making decisions and with each one that has to be made I feel stronger and more capable than I've ever felt before. I make mistakes of course and I get things wrong but it's never the end of the world and it's always a learning experience so when the day comes and I'm on my own I know I'll be able to cope.
At the very beginning of all this I was so frightened of how I'd manage by myself but living alongside dementia introduces you to your hidden strengths and lets you know about the reserves you never before knew existed.