An outlet for frustration

 Last week, as you know, ended badly.  Ash came to boiling point accusing me of taking over and leaving him with nothing to do and I made it all worse by failing to bear in mind that it was the dementia talking and not my lovely Ash of old.  

We got over it and tiptoed round each other for a while but gradually things have returned to normal.  Or have they?  In fact life is better now than it has been for quite a while and this has set me thinking.  

As usual I've consider the event from all angles and it's occurred to me that what happened last week has happened before in an almost identical manner.  There've been two or three difficult moments spread over two or three weeks and then one almighty row until, finally, I've seen flashes of the old Ash with his sense of humour and his laid back nature.  This time that's been here in spades.  He's come to find me and started conversations, he's taken my hand and, yesterday, I had my first proper hug in years. 

So what do I think triggered it all?  After a great deal of consideration I think it was frustration on his part and I think it's always frustration.  The difficulty is that the Ash is very aware of the things he can no longer do.  His memory isn't so diminished that he can't remember the days when he was on top of the world, when all I had to do was say 'can you just........' and he could.  He knows he used to be able to do anything and everything and he knows now that he can't and that must drive him crazy.  Most of the time I think he copes with it all but gradually, like a pressure cooker, a wave of frustration builds and builds until he explodes and there I am in front of him, the only person he trusts enough to not walk away, when he releases all of that anger.

It's not pleasant, in fact it can be soul destroying, because as hard as I try I can't ignore the things that he says or the venom with which he says them but when it's all over and I've pulled myself together I know that he would do the same for me and that makes it all bearable.

Anyway the past few days have been lovely so on we sail with the knowledge, passed on by others much further down the line, that this bit will pass and then life in this respect at least will get easier.

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