It's not all plain sailing
Yesterday I told you all, very excitedly and with great pride, how well the two long days with L had gone. My careful planning had worked and we'd come through it all not only unscathed but with Ash in a better place than before.
Well I really should have known better because, about an hour after that piece was posted, all hell was let loose. I've thought and thought about it all and still can't figure out what the trigger was but apparently I've taken all his jobs away from him and left him with nothing to do. I'm managing and controlling and never allow him to think for himself and everything is my fault.
You have no need to tell me that it's the dementia talking, that he doesn't mean any of it and that he's just taking his uncertainties out on me; I know all that and normally I keep my feelings under wraps and carry on while ignoring it all as best I can. Where possible I manage to placate him and rebuild the self esteem that has just taken a hammering for whatever reason but yesterday all that knowledge and all those skills deserted me and I didn't react well. In fact I reacted so badly that the whole thing was prolonged far, far longer than you could possibly imagine. I'm really not proud of that fact but I hate unfairness and the accusations seemed so profoundly unfair that my gut instinct was to respond so I did.
It all ended of course but I was left with a feeling of complete exhaustion mainly due to the knowledge that I really should have known, and done, better but there you are. As one friend said when I cried down the phone, my sainthood had slipped temporarily and that was allowed but it really didn't make me feel any better. This morning we've tiptoed around each other not quite sure what happened (either of us) but I at least am determined to do better in the future.
Oh, and step 3 in the caring plan is still on but maybe next time I'll be ready for the kickback.