A double edged sword

The positive benefits of my week away can still be seen.  Smiles are all around, jokes are still being made and offers of help are everywhere.  Even a visit from our social worker failed to dent Ash's mood and he was chatty, welcoming and good humoured all the way through.  We hadn't met her before and I was a little anxious that all Jake's good work last week might be undone but she was lovely and I had no need to worry.

I went for my final tanning session before giving myself up to the new sun loungers in the garden for the rest of the summer and left with Ash's teasing in my ears then spent the afternoon gardening side by side with him as he weeded, trimmed and tidied almost like the old days.

In fact life at the moment bears such a close resemblance to the old days that I really should be very happy but .........  

I've got used to being on my own, to living in a silent house, to being taken no notice of whatsoever and this is taking some getting used to.  Life is definitely more fun here than it was but I know it won't last and then what?  If I let my guard down for one minute I know I could end up in the dark days of before and I've worked so hard to get to this very, very good place that I can't take the risk.  So I join in with the jokes, I laugh at stupid stuff with him, I put a smile in my voice and a glow in my eyes and I pretend.  I put a lot of effort into the pretence and it seems to be working so that's good for both of us but it's no use imagining that life can ever be what it was and self preservation seems to be the key.

This may seem a sad post but it's not meant to be I promise.  I'm enjoying spending time with this Ash who's nicer, calmer, less anxious and less irritable; an Ash who doesn't get cross with me, who seems to like my company and is appreciative of everything I do.  We both benefited so much from last week and I'll work as hard as possible and for as long as possible to keep those benefits but life is never going to return to normal or even continue like this indefinitely and it's no use pretending otherwise.   Dementia has taught me to be a realist and to that end I need to make the most of the here and now, enjoy what's happening and not be taken by surprise when everything changes once again.  Which of course it will.


Don't forget you can sign up to have this delivered straight into your inbox, just remember to click on the validation email (which may be in your junk mail/trash box).  You can share specific posts with others by clicking on the 3 dots at the top right hand corner of the page, you can share the blog by copying and pasting the web address www.memoryfortwo.com or you can email me at memoryfortwo@gmail.com if you have anything you want to say privately.  You can also now follow me on twitter, just search for Memory For Two, and you can find me on facebook https://www.facebook.com/Memory-for-Two-287197572048864.

Comments

Carol S said…
I think the best gift we can give ourselves is to learn to live life moment by moment accepting that nothing is permanent. Enjoy these good moments Jane - knowing that they are the result of all that you’ve learned about dementia and the meticulous plans you made - even if you didn’t necessarily expect this good an outcome. It’s a real bonus however long it lasts and shows that you both perhaps needed this break. Really good food for thought for the rest of us. As usual, thank you so much for sharing. Xx
Jane said…
You're so right Carol. It's such a bonus and almost as though Ash has emerged blinking through a tunnel to discover that life with dementia doesn't have to be the end of everything. Definitely, definitely worth all that planning.
Lorraine said…
So glad you enjoyed your break, Jane, and that Ash coped well. I had a wonderful time last year when I was provided with some respite care by the WONDERFUL social worker who was involved at that time(sadly, though, she was unable to be 'allocated' to us beyond that time as it was deemed an 'emergency situation') and I honestly believe it saved my sanity! I definitely think that those of us involved in this 'journey' need to grab any opportunity to re-charge our batteries if at all possible. So empathise with the sadness attached to your experience of the 'old Ash', too. I used to be heartened by the glimpses of the Chris that I'd known and loved for 40 years but now know that these are gone in the blink of an eye and the 'new' life returns with a vengeance. I'm nowhere near your level of acceptance of this yet, but it does help to know that so many others are managing to rise above the sorrow and can cope with the new normal- it gives me hope that I'll get there eventually. Keep up the positive vibes!
Jane said…
It is hard isn't it to see those glimpses and then, just as you're really beginning to believe in it all, they disappear as quickly as they arrived but this time I'm determined to hang on to the thought that my week away helped Ash just as much as it helped me and that's a very good feeling.