The different faces of Ash

 For the past three and a half years Ash hasn't really noticed my existence except for the times when it affected his well-being but, since my week away, that has all changed beyond recognition.

Now he compliments me on what I'm wearing, he chats to me, he jokes with me and he gardens alongside me.  Yesterday we went to town to return something and I suggested coffee afterwards.  Normally he'd dismiss that idea and say he'd prefer to go straight home but instead he asked where I was thinking of going, found a table when we got there and then sat with me and commented on the world outside the window.  No angst, not even when the table we usually sit at had only one chair.  He was a little confused by that but I noticed and stepped in to find another so everything was fine.

This morning I escaped to do the grocery shopping and when I got back he was in the middle of trimming the edges of the lawn, something he gave up on a very long time ago.  We had coffee on the patio listening to what was once his favourite pop quiz and, although he couldn't answer any of the questions, he listened and commented which again is something he hasn't done for a very long time.  

Almost like having the old Ash back and yet .......... 

Did you notice I used the word 'escape'?  Before my week away I spent hours a day in the same house as Ash but on my own and I got used to it.  In fact I got to the point where I relished my own space and my own thoughts, I liked my own company very much indeed.  Now though if we're not out in the sun together Ash has no idea what to do with himself.  If I garden he will garden too, or at least help me, but if I do anything else such as cooking, cleaning etc he stands and watches me as his brain struggles to find anything to occupy him.

My friends, I want you to know that I love having this happy version of my husband around but I also want you to know that it's driving me absolutely crazy and what to do about it is my latest conundrum.  I'll get there I know, there will be a solution, but right this minute there are times when that old silence is very enticing.

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Cornwall Girl said…
May i suggest nothing needs to be done ad this to will pass 🤔🌈
Jane said…
and of course you're right. I just need to sit tight and wait. I promise I will.
Carol S said…
What a useful mantra when times are difficult - this too will pass - guess we have to accept it’s true when times are good also - so just have to learn to ‘go with the flow’. I think what I have also learned from your post is that when we think the person we knew and loved has totally disappeared into dementia - they haven’t. It is a strange disease.
Jane said…
it's a very strange disease Carol. A friend asked the other day whether I thought Ash had been struggling with depression up to now and I think that's very possible but the difficulty is that there's no 'norm' for dementia so we have to plod along, hope for the best but also cope with the worst.