Something's missing

Do you know what I miss most about Ash?  It's his strength.  Not just physical strength, although he had that in abundance, but he was so strong emotionally and mentally.  

Unlike me he never gave up on anything once he'd started it, if he found something difficult he'd just keep trying until he'd mastered it and he was always looking for new challenges so  life was never boring.

I think about this as I watch his confidence drain away in almost every situation, as I watch him stand in a room trying to work out what to do, as he struggles to lift a large log for the fire and I've thought about it today as he's slept the afternoon away.  I've watched him through all of this and realised that the part of him which I always thought was indestructible has gone for good and that makes me sad for him just as much as for me.  We were always so evenly matched, we complemented each other and now all that has gone.

Dementia is such a thief; it creeps in and steals the people we love the most and the only thing we can do is try very hard to deal with it all and, in the process, become better versions of ourselves.  If we can't do that then there really is no point to this at all.

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CW said…
It's funny (not funny ha ha) but I was thinking the same thing as I watched Robert earlier this evening. He's a shadow of his former self. He's more often withdrawn and doesn't say anything unless it's in response to something I've asked. No emotions, just an empty slate. It's lonely... even though he's still here, he's not here.
Jane said…
Until very recently that would have described Ash completely but since my week away he has far more life about him. it's still not the real him though and it doesn't take much to wear him out. He never used to be still but was always looking for jobs or finding projects. Now he sleeps quite a lot in the afternoon and most of every evening. I used to get bored more than lonely but since I discovered viewing on my laptop life has improved immensely. I've also worked quite hard at building a life apart from him which helps.