Another step in the wrong direction

 Last night I was reading in bed when Ash came through looking confused.  It was 11.30 and he'd been in bed for about half an hour but seemed to have fallen asleep then woken up and not known where he was.  This has happened before so I didn't think too much of it but got him back to bed then sat ready to talk about what was worrying him.  What I didn't expect to be worrying him was that he still had no idea where he was.

His words were jumbled so I messed things up a little just because I had no idea what he was trying to tell me but I waited and listened, trying to make sense of it all.  Eventually he said 'I don't know where this is' as he threw his arms out and managed, with that one gesture, to encompass the room.  'This is home' I said.  'So this is where we live?' he responded, followed by 'how long have we lived here?'  I told him we'd been here thirty six years at Christmas and reminded him, unnecessarily of course, that we'd moved in on 13th December and in the time between then and Christmas Day he'd ripped the kitchen out and installed a new one.  There really was no stopping him in those days and the memory/words made us both smile.

I thought he'd settle down then but suddenly there was a new concern.  'It's nearly Christmas, where will we be at Christmas?' he asked.  I replied 'we'll be here so there's nothing to worry about' but of course, even if we get over the worry of Christmas, there's no telling what new thing will appear out of nowhere to catch us unawares.

In the end it really didn't take long to quieten him, certainly not as long as it felt, but I'm now left wondering if I can persuade the television companies to keep their Christmas adverts for December.

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Emjayar said…
I know exactly how you feel Jane. When T got struck down with covid 6 weeks ago (a very worrying time), I moved into the spare bedroom. I slept brilliantly whilst in there and between us we decided (so I thought) that we would carry on with this arrangement. However, every few days as I tuck him up and put his eyedrops in, he asks me what we're going to do about sleeping when we go home. We've lived here 42 years. One part of me wonders if I should sleep with him again to reassure him and put him back in his comfort zone, but the truth is I'm loving my 8 hours solitude every night.
Carol S said…
It must be so frightening not to recognise where you are. I know I’ve said it before but Ash is so lucky to have you Jane. Despite the risk of waking up with that uncertainty I really do feel, certainly in my case, that it is essential to sleep in a different room - without my sleep I really don’t think I’d have the patience to care as I need to. My partner sleeps with the light on. He cant tell me why but I guess it helps him know where he is.
I hope you get new carers set up soon Jane. I was so sorry to hear that L let you down. I guess I’ve got all this to come. My partner was diagnosed18 months ago and we don’t use carers yet but his memory and reasoning has really deteriorated recently so I’m sure we will need to soon. Thankyou for sharing your ups and your downs I’m sure it will really help me to formulate my own plans and strategies - infact it already has in many ways. Xx
Carol Westover said…
No words come to mind to console you as Ash continues to diminish. I'm facing the same thing every day. Each day has its own challenges. Hang tough. Be safe and hopefully, you'll get an aide in soon.
Jane said…
Thank you for all of these comments. It helps so much to know it's not just me. Ash has never suggested that I move back and I think that maybe he likes not being thumped in the back for snoring several times a night. He's also very good and knowing where I am if he needs me in the night so that's helpful. I certainly can't imagine not having my own night time space nowadays.