Knocked sideways once again

Most of the time I think I cope quite well with what's happening to us.  For various reasons I'm fitter, healthier and happier than I've been in a very long time.  We've got into a bit of a rhythm with this new way of life and as long as Ash is settled and calm then I'm mostly contented with  my lot.  What I've discovered though is that it doesn't take much to knock me off track.

Every Monday we drive into town for a market day visit to our favourite cafe where we sit in the window with our drinks and watch the world go by.  Ash has got to the stage where he's comfortable enough to either just sit or to pass comment on what he can see through the window and it's a nice way of spending an hour.

This morning, as we walked in Ash saw someone he knew.  Someone he knew from his working life and whom I'd never set eyes on in my life.  They had a lovely chat, both pleased to see the other, and then we moved into our regular window seat where I left Ash and went to order.  As I was waiting at the counter I saw Ash move across to this chap and begin that conversation all over again from scratch much to the puzzlement of the man in question.  I could see the look of confusion surface as Ash ploughed on and my urge to protect him kicked in.  I moved more quickly that I would have thought possible, murmured something innocuous to Ash as I got him back to his seat and then briefly explained the situation as I moved back to the counter.  

By the time I returned to my seat Ash was happily looking out of the window and pointing out something of interest that he'd noticed but I was a wreck and fighting back tears.  All of a sudden the unfairness of what was happening to him was too much and, even though he was completely content, it took me ages and ages to shake off the feeling that he really, really doesn't deserve any of this.

Selfishly I don't feel I deserve any of it either but that's a whole other topic for another day.

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Carol said…
How often have I said that - my husband does not deserve this. He was the most kind, most helpful, loving man and now he is none of those things. Why oh why does this dreaded disease change their personalities so much. I feel for you Jane, trying to protect Ash. Sadly my husband is past conversations with people, we have moved on to worse things, but I would still protect him from the horrors if I could. I hope you are feeling better again now
CW said…
I agree, wholeheartedly. It was after one of Robert's confused moments that I looked at my niece and said, "It makes me want to cry." We had a garage sale over the weekend and Robert kept going into the "keep" boxes and pulling out stuff and carrying it into the house. He couldn't understand that I'd already gone through the things in the boxes and had decided we needed to keep them. I was trying to pack up the house as much as possible so it would look a bit more empty when it came time to sell it. It is what it is and we will persevere. Gentle hugs to you ... we're on the same path.
Jane said…
One of the loveliest things about writing this blog is discovering again and again that I'm not the only one going through all of this. And you're right, it is so, so sad.