Memories sometimes play tricks
For a very, very long time life here was dark. Everything was a struggle, nothing went right and happy memories eluded me. Occasionally there were flashes of light where I remembered something we'd done which had made me smile but they were few and far between. Instead it seemed as though life had always been difficult and nothing had ever been right between us even though I knew deep down that wasn't the truth.
So I sunk deeper and deeper into myself, dressed in black and hid myself away mentally and emotionally if not physically. I've discovered however that it really isn't in my nature to be down for ever and gradually I've felt myself resurface; I've uncovered the old me and I've realised there's a person within worth resurrecting.
The interesting thing here though is that, in the discovering and uncovering, all the bad memories have begun to float away to be replaced by lovely memories of how life really did use to be. Not just Ash as his whole self but the two of us as a couple and the three of us as a family. All the good times together, the moments when he made me laugh out loud, when I would smile as soon as I saw him and when, just by looking at me, he made me feel so special I knew I was capable of anything.
I really did wonder if all of that had been a figment of my imagination but now, even though there are times when it all disappears into a fog of difficulties, I know it was there once and that is a very, very good feeling indeed.