Memories sometimes play tricks


For a very, very long time life here was dark.  Everything was a struggle, nothing went right and happy memories eluded me.  Occasionally there were flashes of light where I remembered something we'd done which had made me smile but they were few and far between.  Instead it seemed as though life had always been difficult and nothing had ever been right between us even though I knew deep down that wasn't the truth.

So I sunk deeper and deeper into myself, dressed in black and hid myself away mentally and emotionally if not physically.  I've discovered however that it really isn't in my nature to be down for ever and gradually I've felt myself resurface; I've uncovered the old me and I've realised there's a person within worth resurrecting.

The interesting thing here though is that, in the discovering and uncovering, all the bad memories have begun to float away to be replaced by lovely memories of how life really did use to be.  Not just Ash as his whole self but the two of us as a couple and the three of us as a family.  All the good times together, the moments when he made me laugh out loud, when I would smile as soon as I saw him and when, just by looking at me, he made me feel so special I knew I was capable of anything.  

I really did wonder if all of that had been a figment of my imagination but now, even though there are times when it all disappears into a fog of difficulties, I know it was there once and that is a very, very good feeling indeed.

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Carol S said…
I think it’s really good to remember all the good times because they are really what gives us the energy to do the caring. It must be so much more difficult for carers who didn’t really have a good relationship in the past but perhaps stayed together for a host of reasons and now find themselves trapped in the role of carer to someone they didn’t love. I’m sure photos like the one you shared with us a few weeks ago Jane are good to look at when we are really feeling challenged to remind us why it is all worthwhile. Good memories are really useful ( unless our thinking moves more to regretting what we’ve lost ) - I try never to dwell on any negative ones - they wouldn’t help at all !! Thanks for sharing your thoughts Jane - it helps me examine my own . Carol x
Jane said…
I think the problem was that at the beginning of all of this I spent an awful lot of time regretting what was lost and then, in order to survive, I blocked out all the good memories. Now I feel so much better about my life I'm able to let the good memories back in. As you say, how lucky we are to have had all those good times. They make all the difference.