A treat is in store

 I'm so tired at the moment that I'm struggling to put one foot in front of the other.  Since Christmas, every morning I've looked at my reflection in the mirror and wondered where the life has gone from my face.  I couldn't see a way out, at least not yet.  I have a week away booked in May with the help of S and Jake but I really didn't see how I was going to last.

I do have coping strategies of course, ways of switching off and short term bolt holes.  I have my walks with friends, my coffee mornings, I have my Sunday afternoon pamper sessions and I have my lovely bedroom with it's table and chairs but even they aren't quite hitting the spot at the moment.

The walks and coffees are lovely but I think we're now closer than ever to the time when I won't be able to leave Ash on his own so that's looming and whenever I'm out I wonder how he's coping..

My baths too aren't always the perfect event.  Last Sunday was a really busy day and I was still a little wound up when I went for my bath.  As a result I got into the steaming water, laid back and realised I hadn't got a book, I'd forgotten to set up the music and I didn't have my soft, fuschia pink bath sheet to hand.  As a result, at the end of that session I wasn't relaxed one little bit and, instead, I just felt I'd wasted my time.  Today, we only just managed to avoid another chainsaw argument and again I was still a little wound up when it came to bath time so I decided to give it a miss.  This turned out for the best because my company was what Ash needed to get back on track but once again I've missed out.

I'm also not managing to spend as much time upstairs in my room as I was.  Partly this is because Ash keeps coming to find me to tell me something he's seen or heard on the tv and partly because he's often unsettled and anxious if left to his own devices.  

So life is getting a little more difficult in lots of little ways but today I had a brainwave.  I'm not going to tell you the details quite yet but I will very soon and then you can give me your opinion.  It's quite a small thing but also, I think, quite inspired and something that many of you might be able to copy if you haven't thought of it already.

I have it planned for Thursday and I'll give you a full report afterwards.  The interesting thing is that just thinking of it has helped and just having it to look forward to has made all the difference.  Currently I'm hugging it to myself and smiling every time I think of what's in store.

Taking control of one small section of my life seems to have done the trick.

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Michelle said…
Oh Jane. I'm really looking forward to reading about this little plan of yours. I could have written your blog today as I now look in the mirror every morning and wonder where my old self has gone. I see my days of snatching an hour with friends is soon going to be curtailed as I'm finding that I'm being constantly stalked throughout the day around the house and have to explain what I'm doing or where I am. It's very draining and I feel my patience is reaching its limit, so I wait with baited breath!
Jane said…
I promise I'll tell you all about it. Do you have anyone who can or does stay with your husband for even a few hours? if you do then it really might be something you can do.
Tehachap said…
I have the same problem with my husband--he's lost without me and needs to know where I am at all times. And too, when I do manage to get out (usually for groceries), I worry about how he's doing. It's like we're never really apart. That in itself is stressful. Looking forward to hearing more about your plan!
Unknown said…
What plans has Ash got to look forward to?
Jane said…
Ash has a day with S who gives him her whole attention. Not only that but the two of them have been trying to get his old record deck working. That failed but I managed to find an identical one on ebay (described as vintage). We now have that, it's up and from this morning, working and the two of them will be going through a stack of old vinyls deciding what to play next. Ash and I have had a go this morning and music has been blaring out very loudly but she's far more into it than I am.

Do I give the impression that I don't do anything nice with Ash? I promise I do but sometimes it's a hard slog to get him interested in anything other than going out for a cup of tea - something we're about to do right this minute.
Carol S said…
I find it very difficult to interest my partner in doing anything other than watching the TV , mostly quiz programmes, and thankfully walking with me and our dog. I’ve decided at this point in time to walk as much as we can whenever the weather permits as I guess there will come a time when he doesn’t want to do this either and then I really don’t know how I can help him fill his time. I’m also booking us lots of staycations - holiday cottages in walking areas - while we still can. Like you Jane I know that my opportunities to meet friends for a couple of hours are also going to become fewer and further apart. My sister is retiring soon and I think will be able to give me some regular time out so I’m very interested to find out what plans you have. I’m confident you’ll find something to lift your spirits Jane and inspire the rest of us.
Jane said…
Ash will only walk to the top of the lane and back. He's happy, mostly, for me to walk with him if I want to but if I do he stays quite a way behind me rather than us walking side by side. He also watches endless quiz shows and I can only cope with so many especially when we've seen the episodes again and again so I watch with him until 8pm and then get my laptop and headphones out.

The last time we went away was October 2019 as being somewhere different makes him anxious and miserable so now I go on my own but to do that there has to be someone here that he likes and accepts. Luckily S fits the bill perfectly but it's all a balancing act isn't it.
Marcia said…
Oh, friends, I can so relate. This constant following me and always wanting to know where I go, what I am doing, etc., is draining. I too look in the mirror and wonder where I went. Usually the only place I go is to the grocery store or a doctor, and worry. A week or so ago I came home from a quick jaunt, and my husband had a store receipt attached to his arm with rubber bands - this because the kitty nicked him while he was brushing her. So interesting how the mind works, he stopped the bleeding. I have help for a few hours Tuesdays and Thursdays, so I guess I will have to schedule everything into those hours. This is a horrible disease.
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