A treat is in store
I'm so tired at the moment that I'm struggling to put one foot in front of the other. Since Christmas, every morning I've looked at my reflection in the mirror and wondered where the life has gone from my face. I couldn't see a way out, at least not yet. I have a week away booked in May with the help of S and Jake but I really didn't see how I was going to last.
I do have coping strategies of course, ways of switching off and short term bolt holes. I have my walks with friends, my coffee mornings, I have my Sunday afternoon pamper sessions and I have my lovely bedroom with it's table and chairs but even they aren't quite hitting the spot at the moment.
The walks and coffees are lovely but I think we're now closer than ever to the time when I won't be able to leave Ash on his own so that's looming and whenever I'm out I wonder how he's coping..
My baths too aren't always the perfect event. Last Sunday was a really busy day and I was still a little wound up when I went for my bath. As a result I got into the steaming water, laid back and realised I hadn't got a book, I'd forgotten to set up the music and I didn't have my soft, fuschia pink bath sheet to hand. As a result, at the end of that session I wasn't relaxed one little bit and, instead, I just felt I'd wasted my time. Today, we only just managed to avoid another chainsaw argument and again I was still a little wound up when it came to bath time so I decided to give it a miss. This turned out for the best because my company was what Ash needed to get back on track but once again I've missed out.
I'm also not managing to spend as much time upstairs in my room as I was. Partly this is because Ash keeps coming to find me to tell me something he's seen or heard on the tv and partly because he's often unsettled and anxious if left to his own devices.
So life is getting a little more difficult in lots of little ways but today I had a brainwave. I'm not going to tell you the details quite yet but I will very soon and then you can give me your opinion. It's quite a small thing but also, I think, quite inspired and something that many of you might be able to copy if you haven't thought of it already.
I have it planned for Thursday and I'll give you a full report afterwards. The interesting thing is that just thinking of it has helped and just having it to look forward to has made all the difference. Currently I'm hugging it to myself and smiling every time I think of what's in store.
Taking control of one small section of my life seems to have done the trick.
Do I give the impression that I don't do anything nice with Ash? I promise I do but sometimes it's a hard slog to get him interested in anything other than going out for a cup of tea - something we're about to do right this minute.
The last time we went away was October 2019 as being somewhere different makes him anxious and miserable so now I go on my own but to do that there has to be someone here that he likes and accepts. Luckily S fits the bill perfectly but it's all a balancing act isn't it.