Tiredness - the cause of many difficulties
My first post for nineteen days. How on earth did that happen?
I was going to say that I don't know but I think I do, I've had writers block and every time I've sat down at my computer I've struggled to find a starting point and, as is my way when I attempt something difficult, I gave up before I started.
It's not just that, however, it's more that I'm tired of it all. I'm physically tired, emotionally exhausted and weary to my soul. The joy has gone, although there's still fun to be had. I still have outings with friends where we chat, drink coffee, laugh and generally enjoy each other's company; Jake came over for Mother's Day and the three of us had the loveliest day; Ash and I go out most days and quite often find something to smile about; I get days out on my own while S stays with Ash and that's more than lots of people in my situation have but, increasingly, I find it's not enough.
I'm living someone else's life and it's not one I ever envisaged. I can tell myself as often as I like that this isn't a bad life and it isn't, it's just not the life I want. I thought we'd be off travelling, away for weeks at a time, staying with friends for the weekend, having people here, hosting parties, all those things that normal people do when they've worked and worked to the point where they can stop, relax and enjoy each other's company. Instead one of the highlights of our week now is to go to the local supermarket for a cup of tea. If you'd asked me ten years ago how I would be spending my early 60s never, in a million years, would I have said you'd see us drinking tea in a supermarket cafe or a garden centre cafe or indeed a cafe of any sort. It doesn't seem so long ago that Ash would refuse to set foot in any sort of establishment that didn't serve wine.
So that's my problem. I've always prided myself on staying positive, on being a 'glass half full' type of person, on seeing the best in everything and that's what this blog was originally based on. Now all of those skills have deserted me and I really can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it's there, I just can't quite see it.
So you haven't had my thoughts for almost three weeks and now you do have them but they're dark and I'm sorry for that. However you can't keep a good woman down so I'm sure it won't be long before I'm back to my usual self and being irritatingly happy with life. Just hang in there with me and let me know how you're doing too.
Anything enjoyable today we might try the cinema but may ....
Spend loads of time in the loos
Or fall asleep
Who knows xxC
I know just how you are feeling, our pre dementia lives seem very similar to yours with Ash. We did have such fun and adventures. Cling on to that.
Please don’t say sorry for expressing how you really feel.....it’s like you hit a wall.... but walls can be knocked down. You will get through it but remember it’s ok to admit you are not doing so well. That’s hard to do if you have always been optimistic but it may be gentler on yourself than trying to keep it together constantly
If ever I find myself thinking about what might have been I remind myself that it was never going to happen- I just didn’t know it. That helps stop my mind going down dark alleys leading nowhere.
Take good care of yourself. X
I think that you've just stepped inside my head!! You've echoed my every thought, practically word for word. So much so, that this is the first time I've looked at your blog since you last posted as (& this is going to sound terrible) I didn't feel able to handle your up-beat, cheerful outlook on this life we've been given! Normally, your blog gives me the desired 'kick up the backside' to stop feeling sorry for myself and 'dwell on the positives'but I just couldn't seem to summon up the enthusiasm. I've even gone back to crying on a regular basis and I'd stopped doing that a year ago! Maybe it's just something in the air and we'll both feel better next week. Here's hoping! Please don't apologise for the 'downbeat' nature of your post - you're human, and doing a great job!