A stranger in the house
I seem to have acquired a new husband and this is one I like quite a lot.
In the old days Ash was the perfect partner for me. He was fun, always ready for the next adventure, my shoulder to lean on, my best friend and the calmest, most reliable human being I knew. He made me laugh from the moment I woke in a morning to the moment I went to sleep at night and life was pretty good.
Then it all started to go wrong and I couldn't figure out why. I kept thinking 'if I just do ............ everything will be alright', 'if I can only get us away on our own everything will be alright', 'if, if, if ........'. I tried everything I could think of but nothing worked and the dream turned more and more often into a nightmare.
He turned from the man who made me feel as though I was the centre of his world to one who seemed to dislike me intensely. Everything I did was wrong and nothing I could do changed that.
Then came the diagnosis and, although we were both devastated, I had hopes that, by knowing what the problem was, we'd be able to recover some of our equilibrium.
Of course it didn't work out like that. From that day Ash was so full of anger and frustration that he didn't seem to know which way to turn and he took it out on the person closest to him who happened to be me.
We struggled on like that for three and a half years, right up until I went away for a week last May and he missed me. Jake was here the whole time but it seemed to jolt Ash into realising how important I was to his life and I came home to a very unexpected apology. The words 'I've been a 'S__T' haven't I? I'm sorry' were part of a speech that seemed to come out of nowhere and were very welcome.
Life isn't a fairy tale though and, although he seemed to appreciate me more than he had, the anger and frustration hadn't gone away and I was still the scapegoat although not quite as frequently as before and things were better between us.
For a whole year then we've struggled on, some days being lovely and others being completely miserable with little in between, and that's how I thought we'd stay. Right up until two weeks ago when Ash went out for a birthday lunch with old work mates.
I have no idea exactly what made the difference but it almost feels as though I have the old Ash back. It's now been seventeen days and there hasn't been a single angry outburst, no frustration when he finds he can't do something and it's been smiles, conversation and jokes all the way.
I'll keep you posted and I'd advise you not to hold your breath but it does seem as though there's been a core change in feelings and attitude somewhere along the way and we're both the better for it.
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