A three nap day
After a very good week today hasn't gone well which is such a shame.
Friends came for coffee on Monday and Wednesday; Friday evening saw us out and socialising in the village and yesterday morning we joined Jake and family for a birthday walk and picnic lunch. Through it all Ash has smiled, joked and chatted seeming so much like his old self that, for brief moments, it was almost possible that the last few years had been a terrible joke.
The only fly in the ointment has been the broken nights and that's where today began badly. For the third morning in a row Ash has decided that the earlier the hour the better the time to start his day and unfortunately I find that a struggle.
This morning I first heard him making his way downstairs at 4am. I persuaded him back to bed but he was up again at 5am and by the third attempt at 5.45 I shouted. I can almost hear some of you tut there in the background and I know I shouldn't; I know it only makes things worse and the best thing is to stay calm and talk normally but I was so tired I wasn't thinking straight. Admittedly it wasn't as bad as yesterday when he was dressed at 12.30am but the cumulative effect of three nights of broken sleep had taken it's toll which, I think, explains the shouting.
So that was the very beginning but things didn't get any better. In an effort to clear my head I decided to make today the first day of my new fitness regime. I told Ash I was going to be out for half an hour, wrote a note to that effect, picked up my phone and set out. The first drawback was finding that my new playlist wouldn't work on the phone but I was determined so decided to do without music. Next I discovered that the fitness app I needed didn't like the fact that I'd ignored it for 18 months and it too refused to play. Undeterred I decided to walk the route and that was ok.
Up to the top of the lane I went, basking in the sunshine, admiring the views and thinking how much better I felt. The good feeling lasted until I got home and discovered that Ash had taken Max and locked me out. That was ok, I'd just sit and wait until he got home. Only he didn't come home and I started to worry. I worried right up until I caught sight of him through a window and realised, rather than locking me out, he'd locked himself in!
From that point the day was full of confusion with Ash's head seemingly elsewhere at all time. Little of what he said made sense, he put things down and immediately lost them, he was grumpy and he had no idea what to do with himself.
It would take too long to list all the things that were 'off' today but if I tell you that I'd had my first nap by 10am and that I cried in a video call to a friend you might just realise how difficult it was.
By the time we got to the end of the afternoon I'd had two more naps and Ash seemed to have stopped fighting his confusion so we've got to the end of the day almost unscathed but I'm definitely hoping for better things tomorrow.
I know how you feel, I get the full spectrum of emotions and behaviour every day now but in no particular order! It’s tough but we have to keep going Jane xx