Am so sorry I haven't been around and am very, very grateful for all the emails and messages you sent asking where I was.

I did read them all but, as you'll have noticed if you were an enquirer, I didn't manage to reply and there were a couple of reasons for that.

The first is that life got a little difficult for a while and I found myself overwhelmed by everything to the point where my brain refused to function.  I found myself incapable of putting thoughts into words and the only way I got through each day was to put one foot in front of the other and focus on a point just in front of me.  For the first time ever I followed all the advice ever given to carers of those with dementia and lived in the moment.  

I have to tell you now, having come through it, that 'living in the moment' is really not me.  In fact it seemed that not focusing on the future meant I had little to look forward to and all the joy and fun drained away from my life.  Planning for that future is a much better way to spend my time I've decided.

I don't want you to think that every minute of those weeks was dreary because that really wouldn't be true.  Friends came to visit, Ash and I went out most days and, joy of joys, I had a whole day to myself with the nearly 9 year old.  Not only that but I have another three of those days lined up which has brightened my life considerably.  The thing is that they were isolated experiences and in between there was just Ash and me doing not much at all.

Luckily I've learnt a lot over the past four and a half years and I knew where to go for help and who to ask which means things are better, at least for now, and my head is clearer which is never a bad thing.

So I'm writing a blog post, for the first time it seems, since 29th June and with a bit of luck I'm even making sense, however there is still the second problem.   

Ash can't cope with me being out of his sight for more than five minutes and he hates anything that takes my attention away from him.  I've tried everything I can think.  I've left visual clues to let him know I haven't gone far and that I'll be back, I've told him I'm just going out of the room and that I won't be long but nothing works.  If he isn't with someone, and that's me six days out of seven, he doesn't know what to do with himself and he flounders.

This means that the only time I get to write a blog post is in the evening and by then I'm exhausted and, to be honest, I want to focus on anything other than dementia.  Tonight is an exception because I wanted to explain and to apologise but I'm really not sure when I'll manage this again.  I have high hopes that I'll work out a solution, and we know none of this lasts for ever, but just for now my posts might be a bit hit and miss.

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Anonymous said…
Shadowing is a real pain in the backside. You lose all your privacy as they follow you everywhere- even to the toilet and the bathroom.

Is he on any meds for anxiety, depression, anti psychotic etc as they can help alleviate the symptoms, although not a cure.

Living in the moment all the time is exceedingly tedious.
Tehachap said…
Oh goodness... I think you bottomed out. So very sorry. For myself, I underwent the defibrillator installation yesterday, but prior to the procedure, I fell in the bathroom there at the hospital and have one heck of a bruise/black eye. Go to my blog if you want to see the damage and that photo doesn't do the current state justice. It's twice that size now. :/ But I'm here and that's all that matters...except for my dear friends who are also finding themselves in an unknown and unwanted existence. I have to think that Ash will come around eventually, and not be so clingy or needy. It seems he's deteriorated to a new level and I'm so very sorry for that. Gentle, healing hugs to you. Thank you for posting... you have been missed! Hugs and love... Carol (aka Tehachap)
Marcia said…
I am so glad you are back, and that things are ok! This clearly is a devastating disease, and the shadowing drives me crazy! Bonkers!
Carol S said…
Hi Jane so glad you are OK. Hope the shadowing is a phase that will pass. Hadn’t heard of it before but guess it could be just around the corner for me too. Any tips about ways you find to get around it will be very well received I’m sure. Your posts are always welcome however intermittent they may be at the moment. Goid to hear you have some days planned with your grandchild - enjoy. I’m sure that will be a real tonic. Xx