Hello

 Am so sorry I haven't been around and am very, very grateful for all the emails and messages you sent asking where I was.

I did read them all but, as you'll have noticed if you were an enquirer, I didn't manage to reply and there were a couple of reasons for that.

The first is that life got a little difficult for a while and I found myself overwhelmed by everything to the point where my brain refused to function.  I found myself incapable of putting thoughts into words and the only way I got through each day was to put one foot in front of the other and focus on a point just in front of me.  For the first time ever I followed all the advice ever given to carers of those with dementia and lived in the moment.  

I have to tell you now, having come through it, that 'living in the moment' is really not me.  In fact it seemed that not focusing on the future meant I had little to look forward to and all the joy and fun drained away from my life.  Planning for that future is a much better way to spend my time I've decided.

I don't want you to think that every minute of those weeks was dreary because that really wouldn't be true.  Friends came to visit, Ash and I went out most days and, joy of joys, I had a whole day to myself with the nearly 9 year old.  Not only that but I have another three of those days lined up which has brightened my life considerably.  The thing is that they were isolated experiences and in between there was just Ash and me doing not much at all.

Luckily I've learnt a lot over the past four and a half years and I knew where to go for help and who to ask which means things are better, at least for now, and my head is clearer which is never a bad thing.

So I'm writing a blog post, for the first time it seems, since 29th June and with a bit of luck I'm even making sense, however there is still the second problem.   

Ash can't cope with me being out of his sight for more than five minutes and he hates anything that takes my attention away from him.  I've tried everything I can think.  I've left visual clues to let him know I haven't gone far and that I'll be back, I've told him I'm just going out of the room and that I won't be long but nothing works.  If he isn't with someone, and that's me six days out of seven, he doesn't know what to do with himself and he flounders.

This means that the only time I get to write a blog post is in the evening and by then I'm exhausted and, to be honest, I want to focus on anything other than dementia.  Tonight is an exception because I wanted to explain and to apologise but I'm really not sure when I'll manage this again.  I have high hopes that I'll work out a solution, and we know none of this lasts for ever, but just for now my posts might be a bit hit and miss.

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