Onwards and upwards

 We had confirmation a couple of days ago that Ash can stay in the care home which suits him so well and I finally feel I can relax and start to reclaim my life.

It will be a very different life in just about all respects but current evidence suggests it's going to be ok and, even, better than ok.

I went to see Ash for the first time a week ago (2nd visit planned for tomorrow) and it was lovely.  He wasn't anxious, I wasn't irritated and, best of all, he remembered me and gave me the biggest hug I've had in a very long time.

Friends have asked whether he wanted to come home or whether he enquired about Max and the answer to both of those questions has been 'no'.  He didn't ask about anything or anyone and was just happy to live in the moment.  

We walked into town and went for a cup of tea and a scone, took a long route back and commented on the huge houses we passed before I made my first mistake.  What I should have done was put him into the hands of one of the carers at the door but I was over confident; we'd had such a lovely time I suggested we went to his room to hang his coat up and that's when the confusion began.  Where was he? Why was he there? When was I going to be back?  Lesson learned, leave while the going's good and that's what will happen tomorrow.

I'm not going to tell you this has been a bump free ride but it's certainly been easier than any of us could have hoped for.  I have cried, but rarely for long and mostly when I'm taken by surprise as a memory comes out of nowhere and takes my breath away.  However there's one thing I'm very sure of.  I'm determined that what has happened to us over the last 10 years will not define the rest of my life.  What came before was too good to be diminished by the bad stuff and there's still life out there to be enjoyed.  

I'll keep you posted on what happens from now on and that will include the difficulties but I also think that many of you need to know there are good things to come if you can just hold on long enough.

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