This post might seem at odds with the one I wrote yesterday but if you've lost someone you love you'll know how emotions differ from day to day and even moment to moment.
Yesterday I was happy from beginning to end of the day. Today not so much which is why I've decided that grief is a very odd thing.
I'm not missing Ash because he hasn't been 'my' Ash for so long that I'm already used to being without him. I'm happier than I've been for years, much more relaxed and looking forward to whatever the future brings and yet ..........
And yet there are moments when thoughts of him come out of nowhere and knock me sideways. Mostly, I've realised, they're not to do with memories but more that I know the old Ash would have loved the things I have planned. He'd have loved the trip to see friends in Australia (we've been twice and I think he always thought of himself as an honorary Australian), he'd have loved the 9 year old coming next weekend to put the decorations up, he'd have loved spending Christmas at Jake's for the first time and he'd have very much loved the new bedroom. He'd have loved every bit of it and would have been the usual ball of energy that sometimes totally exhausted me as we approached this next phase in our lives.
So, most of the time, I'm very, very happy. I relish the silence in the house, I love the fact that I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going or what I'm doing but can take off at a moment's notice, I appreciate being able to have friends round without having to worry how he'll react.
All of those things contribute to my happiness but then there are those moments.
This morning I woke up and looked around my new bedroom realising with a jolt that he'll never see it and I sobbed and sobbed. Not for long but with real heartache then, as usual, I put my chin up, my shoulders back and got ready for living again.
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