Thank you to everyone who sent messages of support after my last post. I appreciated every one of them, especially the ones from those who've gone through the same thing and could say, in effect, 'this too shall pass'. You gave me ways of looking how I was reacting so that I could make sense of it and it made all the difference.
In return I can tell those of you who aren't quite there yet that there is life beyond our daily battles. For me my social life is looking up, my job is just what I hoped for (if far more exhausting than I expected) and I have at least one adventure a month planned until the end of the year. I also get to spend, possibly for the first time since he was born, uninterrupted time with the 9 year old so life is pretty good right now.
That's not to say that there aren't moments when a memory comes out of nowhere and knocks the wind out of me. It happened today and I teetered on the edge of the abyss and cried and cried. Luckily a friend's shoulder was close by and I managed to recover relatively quickly. Tomorrow I know I'll be fully back on track and even though I know there will be more moments just like it I also know that they don't last, that there is still joy to be had, experiences to relish and a life to be lived.
I also need to tell you that this will be my last ever blog post. Life has become so much busier there is much less time to devote to creating a properly written post and I hate to do the writing by halves so think the best thing to do is leave it where it is.
I really don't think I would have got through the last five years without this to pour my thoughts and feelings into and the support you've all given me has made such a difference. Now I'm going to leave you with this advice. You may think the bad times are never going to end but they will and when they do you should be ready for them so write those lists, make the plans and be ready to hit the ground running as soon as the time comes.
A friend asked me last night if I wished I'd moved Ash into the home sooner and I have to say that I don't. I did the best I could for as long as I could but now he's well cared for and happy where he is I feel it's time for me and whatever adventures are waiting for me.
The blog will stay online, so if you know of anyone you think will benefit from it then please signpost them, the email will stay live so if you want to keep in touch I'd love to hear from you and the facebook page will stay up for a little while. Other than that I wish you good luck for whatever is to come.