What do we think?

A post popped up on FB just now talking about memories and how they can never be taken away which is something I have no argument with.  One of the comments however was from a lady who said that even with dementia her mum is still her mum and underneath it all she is still the same person.  This I do take issue with.  Perhaps in this lady's case it's true but in our case I really don't think Ash is the same person he was before dementia struck.  It's true his old sense of humour occasionally shines through but the person I have been with since I was 15 is no longer in existence.  I realise that over the years people change and we've both done that but the man who made me laugh every day is no longer there; the man who was always up for an adventure has faded into the background; the man who was consistently calm, always reliable, constantly looking for ways to enjoy life no longer lives in this house.  The man with enough energy to last a lifetime, with a joy of the world in his eyes, with a concern for my well being at the forefront of everything has gone AWOL.  I'm in a good place just now and for the third day running I've woken feeling proud of what we're achieving but when the lady on FB says her mum is the same person she was before dementia I don't know whether she's deluding herself or just living a different experience to me.

Don't forget:
  • If you would like to follow this blog without having to think about it just hit the 'subscribe' button and look out for the activation email.  The posts will then be delivered straight to your inbox.
  • If you would like to contact me privately email memoryfortwo@gmail.com
  • If you would like to comment use the comment link at the bottom left of the post.
  • If you would like to share a post with the outside world click on the weird 3-pronged shape at the top right of a specific post and choose how to share.


Lesley said…
It is complex. Equally, you will not be the same person you would have been if Ash was still well. There is a matter of degree and mental illness has a different effect to physical illness. The challenge is rolling with those changes as best you can, as they affect the one you love and so, necessarily, you too. Pride is a good emotion though - hold that thought!
Sarah H said…
I know what you mean and there has to be much to regret and miss but . . . you are changing too. . . you are learning new skills, expertise and an independence and resilience I bet you never thought was possible. Never underestimate yourself . . .
Ann said…
My goodness Jane, you could be describing the changes I’ve seen in my beloved too! I’m so grateful to you for writing about this, once more, it makes me feel less alone.

Heartbreakingly, the worst aspect in our situation is that the love of my life doesn’t even want to “be here”. Three years into caring for him, and trying EVERYTHING to make his life worth living and he’s still saying he wished he’d died (on the operating table).

BUT....I will not be defeated, I will not give up hope. That’s why I love your balanced, honest, posts Jane. You help me see that in every situation there are always moments of fun, as long as there is love. And like you and Ash, we still have that in abundance.
Jane said…
The thing I find most odd as I've just told someone else is that he looks like my husband and sounds like my husband but in all other respects he's a completely different person. I know I'm lucky to have had the old him for so many years and I hang on to that but just because of personality differences this life bears no resemblance to our old life at all and that was a life I liked living.