Envy is a curious thing
Over thirty years ago when I realised I wanted a baby but Ash wasn't quite ready to join the adult world and become a dad it seemed that everywhere I looked there were pregnant women, new mums, happy families. I was surrounded by them and thought that everyone had what I wanted. Today I look around and seem to be surrounded by happy couples leading 'normal' lives. They have proper conversations, laugh at things together, share memories, hold hands, hug each other and, most importantly, plan for the future. All those things I thought Ash and I would continue to do for years and years to come. In the general scheme of things I'm not an envious person. I've always been happy to share in the success of others and equally content with what I've had at home whether that be material things or relationships but now I find myself wistfully wanting things that have disappeared from my life and the thing is this time I know what I'm missing. However, luckily I'm anchored in the real world and I know deep down that not all of those couples are happy, that the picture some people present to the world is not a true reflection of their lives but it doesn't stop the longing to be part of that group again. Then Ash will say something which makes me laugh out loud or I'll remember something amazing that he did or he'll show concern for someone and I realise he's still in there but just a little out of reach and, actually, that's more than many people have.
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Don't forget you can sign up to have this delivered straight into your inbox (just remember to click on the validation email which may not be in your inbox), you can share posts with others or you can email me at memoryfortwo@gmail.com
Comments
Thank you for bringing this difficult to admit subject into the open.