Envy is a curious thing

Over thirty years ago when I realised I wanted a baby but Ash wasn't quite ready to join the adult world and become a dad it seemed that everywhere I looked there were pregnant women, new mums, happy families.  I was surrounded by them and thought that everyone had what I wanted.  Today I look around and seem to be surrounded by happy couples leading 'normal' lives.  They have proper conversations, laugh at things together, share memories, hold hands, hug each other and, most importantly, plan for the future.  All those things I thought Ash and I would continue to do for years and years to come.  In the general scheme of things I'm not an envious person.  I've always been happy to share in the success of others and equally content with what I've had at home whether that be material things or relationships but now I find myself wistfully wanting things that have disappeared from my life and the thing is this time I know what I'm missing.  However, luckily I'm anchored in the real world and I know deep down that not all of those couples are happy, that the picture some people present to the world is not a true reflection of their lives but it doesn't stop the longing to be part of that group again.  Then Ash will say something which makes me laugh out loud or I'll remember something amazing that he did or he'll show concern for someone and I realise he's still in there but just a little out of reach and, actually, that's more than many people have.


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Comments

Lesley said…
It is amazing how many people suffer similar anguish in one form or another. When you share your problems you find that out. We all expect our lives to be 'normal' and that we will be able to do all the 'normal' things but the fact is that the accepted 'normal' is actually exceptional and those who have it should feel very, very blessed. I suffer agonies of envy listening to all the wonderful things other people's children (adults now) are doing with their lives. I am glad they are happy but sometimes it is just too difficult to hear and I have to retreat into the comfort of our alternative 'normal', which is limited but still wonderful in many, many ways ... as I regularly remind myself! Keep looking for the wonderful - it's still there. xx
Jane said…
That is sooo true and I really wish I'd realised that. The other thing is that what you see of other peoples lives really isn't the whole story and they will have similar turmoil in other parts of their lives so we really do need to be grateful for what we have.
Sarah H said…
You’re both right 🙂
Ann said…
Well said Lesley, and Jane. Once again, it really helps knowing others feel as I do on occasion.

Thank you for bringing this difficult to admit subject into the open.