What does your future look like?
Over the last few weeks we've decided haven't we that, for some of us, planning for the future is ok; that there's no need to feel guilty about the planning because our loved one has already left us and, for our own sanity, we need to know we have a future to look forward to but I wondered if you've thought past the immediate aftermath and where to go long term. I don't know about you but, even with forty plus years of our relationship to lean on, I find this to be the hardest thing I've ever done and I really can't imagine being able to commit to someone to this extent with only a few years of history behind us. So what would you do if, in a few years time, you found yourself in another relationship only to find dementia lurking once again? That, I have to say, would be my greatest fear because, with the best will in the world, I really couldn't do this for a second time. I have thought about this of course (look away now if you're easily shocked) and for a while I thought a toy boy kept in the cupboard under the stairs might be the way forward but then I watched a film starring Helen Mirren where something like that happened and it didn't end well so I put that idea out of my head but do I really want to remain completely single for the rest of my life? I won't be old and it would be nice to have someone to share things with but it would also need to be someone who understood that, at the first sign of dementia, I would cut and run; someone who accepted that the past few years have turned me into a fully independent woman who may want to share her life with someone else but definitely not her home and someone who understood that my most important aim in life after the last years of struggle is to have fun and that I will walk away at the first sign of strife. As far as I can see this person would themselves have to be a dementia survivor as no-one else in this world knows what it feels like to have the person you've loved for years and years fade away in front of your eyes, leaving you with a shell; who knows what it's like to go from being an equal partner to a carer; who understands how one day you can have interesting discussions with the one you love only to find suddenly that the only way to get through a day is to make small talk or soothing sounds. So that seems to be some sort of a solution but how to find such a person, someone who understands where you're coming from; who has the same interests as you do; who wants to wash away the years of surviving by having fun again and who just might not want a full level of commitment because of what they've been through up to this point. I've thought about all of this on and off for a while but then a comment by a friend when out walking last week made me think 'a dating app is what we need', one where members are dementia survivors and know what other members have survived. It's only an idea at the moment and it's not something I need right now and quite possibly not for years and years but when I get to the stage where I think 'now I might just be ready' I think it would be a great thing to have. Now it's your turn. Let me know what you think of this as a concept either by commenting on here or emailing me or messaging me on FB or Twitter. If enough people think that in the future this might be useful to them it will at least give me something to work on while I'm making small talk to get us through the day.
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Don't forget you can sign up to have this delivered straight into your inbox, just remember to click on the validation email (which may be in your junk mail/trash box). You can share specific posts with others by clicking on the 3 dots at the top right hand corner of the page, you can share the blog by copying and pasting the web address www.memoryfortwo.com or you can email me at memoryfortwo@gmail.com if you have anything you want to say privately. You can also now follow me on twitter, just search for Memory For Two, and you can find me on facebook https://www.facebook.com/Memory-for-Two-287197572048864.
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