What does your future look like?

Over the last few weeks we've decided haven't we that, for some of us, planning for the future is ok; that there's no need to feel guilty about the planning because our loved one has already left us and, for our own sanity, we need to know we have a future to look forward to but I wondered if you've thought past the immediate aftermath and where to go long term.  I don't know about you but, even with forty plus years of our relationship to lean on, I find this to be the hardest thing I've ever done and I really can't imagine being able to commit to someone to this extent with only a few years of history behind us.  So what would you do if, in a few years time, you found yourself in another relationship only to find dementia lurking once again?  That, I have to say, would be my greatest fear because, with the best will in the world, I really couldn't do this for a second time.  I have thought about this of course (look away now if you're easily shocked) and for a while I thought a toy boy kept in the cupboard under the stairs might be the way forward but then I watched a film starring Helen Mirren where something like that happened and it didn't end well so I put that idea out of my head but do I really want to remain completely single for the rest of my life?  I won't be old and it would be nice to have someone to share things with but it would also need to be someone who understood that, at the first sign of dementia, I would cut and run; someone who accepted that the past few years have turned me into a fully independent woman who may want to share her life with someone else but definitely not her home and someone who understood that my most important aim in life after the last years of struggle is to have fun and that I will walk away at the first sign of strife.  As far as I can see this person would themselves have to be a dementia survivor as no-one else in this world knows what it feels like to have the person you've loved for years and years fade away in front of your eyes, leaving you with a shell; who knows what it's like to go from being an equal partner to a carer; who understands how one day you can have interesting discussions with the one you love only to find suddenly that the only way to get through a day is to make small talk or soothing sounds.  So that seems to be some sort of a solution but how to find such a person, someone who understands where you're coming from; who has the same interests as you do; who wants to wash away the years of surviving by having fun again and who just might not want a full level of commitment because of what they've been through up to this point.  I've thought about all of this on and off for a while but then a comment by a friend when out walking last week made me think 'a dating app is what we need', one where members are dementia survivors and know what other members have survived.  It's only an idea at the moment and it's not something I need right now and quite possibly not for years and years but when I get to the stage where I think 'now I might just be ready' I think it would be a great thing to have.  Now it's your turn.  Let me know what you think of this as a concept either by commenting on here or emailing me or messaging me on FB or Twitter.  If enough people think that in the future this might be useful to them it will at least give me something to work on while I'm making small talk to get us through the day. 


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Comments

Frank said…
This is an interesting subject. I've thought long and hard about it. Much of what we think, our position, will depend on how old we are. I've asked myself how many people know what they are doing when they take the oath, for better or worse. The worse could be one or the other having a terminal disease, or even both having one. It might not be terminal disease but a mental disorder. In the beginning we just don't know ourselves well enough to know how we'll respond to a terminal disease. A relationship can also be tested by many other maladies, e.g., infidelity. That's why marital vows have the "for better or worse" clause. As we age, the chances increase that we'll get a terminal disease. In the end we must accept that a long term relationship is full of risks. The more we put into that relationship, we more we stand to lose. After losing a couple of dear pets and being about to lose another, I don't think the joy of having a pet is worth the agony of losing one. In reality, we live in a cursed world. All of us must endure tribulations. Our only hope is in the truth that we may be saved in the finished work of Jesus Christ. Paul told us to comfort one another with that hope, i.e., that confident expectation of eternal life in heaven.
Cornwall Girl said…
I think that's a great idea Jane ....you're full of them lol
Jane said…
Thank you. I do try.
Karen said…
I thought of doing something similar but more along the lines of a group of friends, both men and women. If something developed that might be a plus. Personally I don’t think I will ever take a chance on another relationship. Financially I will be independent. If I were to get dementia I would never want someone to feel responsible for me and I would never want to take on another round of this. Even though I can say I would cut and run if dementia reared it’s ugly head love and or guilt might make that extremely hard to do. I am about 10 years older than you so we are coming from different places. I will likely be 75+ when my husband passes so I think I will be content to be alone. I know that I would never want .to cook meals for anyone or do their laundry. My worry would be falling for a man who only wants a purse and a nurse and that will never be me. This disease has definitely jaded me.
Jane said…
I think this disease jades all of us to be honest but I like your idea of groups of friends getting together and see no reason why the app couldn't work like that. I think when we're on the other side of this everyone of us is going to be wary of embarking on a new relationship but who knows what might develop from a friendship.