Who will I be?

 Do you know one of the best things about writing this blog?  Sometimes I think of something which I assume will be controversial and I'm never sure whether to put it into words or not but I really want to know what others think so I put it out there and those are the posts which get the most response, with almost everyone thinking along the same lines.  There are comments on the blog and emails direct to my inbox all saying something similar or giving another perspective and I find it all so fascinating but not only that I find it comforting.  We're told again and again that every case of dementia is different but so many of the emotions experienced by those of us living alongside that dementia are similar and it's lovely to know I'm not on my own.

So that is a very long-winded way of telling you that it appears I'm not the only one out there thinking about afterwards which has been very uplifting.   I do think that sometimes it feels as though this isn't something we should talk about or admit to, that we shouldn't want to move on from the person we loved but, in my case and many others, that person is no longer in our lives.  Ash and I have been together for more than forty years and I'm totally committed to seeing this through to the end but I'm also very much aware that the end is going to come much sooner than I expected when we contemplated life together and the person I loved more than anything has already left me. 

And now we come to 'afterwards'.  I think tomorrow I might talk about the specifics but for the moment I've been considering something a little different.  Last year I watched a series on the television called 'Race Across the World' which, for those of you who haven't seen it, was about five pairs of people racing to get from the top of South America to the bottom without the aid of technology or flights.  Ash and I watched it together and I spent almost the whole of the nine episodes watching one particular contestant having a hissy fit at almost every stage and saying 'that would be me wouldn't it?' and having Ash agreeing while laughing at the very thought of it.  The thing is that it really would have been me once upon a time and most probably, in that particular situation, still would be but I watched it again a couple of weeks ago and realised that I have no idea how I would react now in any given circumstance and that's because I'm a completely different person.  I've said on more than one occasion that Ash has become someone I no longer recognise but I've realised that so too have I and it might be that the things I once wouldn't have attempted will no longer be a problem which means, in turn, that a whole new world of possibilities has opened up before me.  

I think I've written enough for today but I'll leave you with one last thought.  When I posted the photo of the new look me the other day someone suggested that I try make up as well.  I dismissed that idea just because my lifestyle doesn't, at the moment, lend itself to make up but when I thought about it I realised that I haven't worn makeup since I lost all my weight and that I have absolutely no idea what I would look like if I did wear it.  That is a very, very strange feeling.

To be continued ..................

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